A funny thing happened on the way…

Yesterday, I went in for my allergy shots and was waiting out my 20 minutes (they want to make sure you’re not having a reaction before you leave) with an old Newsweek. I have to mention the funniest quote I read. It was from a high school valedictorian, whom, in his graduation speech, thanked the school for giving him the minimum education necessary to “work any position in any McDonald’s anywhere.” Ha ha!!

Anyways, I realized that my 20 minutes were up and went back in the office to get my ‘all clear.’ I was in my workout clothes because I had come directly from Boot camp, where, by the way, my drill instructor decided to “step it up a notch” for which I’m paying today. Both nurses were at the front desk and a female patient was standing there as well. I unzipped my hoodie and let it slide down as far as my elbows. I turned around to show them the back of my left arm first, and then the back of my right. Apparently I looked like a gun show, at least to Crazy Lady, as I now call her: “What? Are you showing them your cuts? I have cuts!” At first I thought she had actual cuts & was wondering how you get cut all over the back of your arms. We all looked at her in bewilderment as she pulled her shirt over her head and started flexing!!!!

Crazy Lady: See? I have cuts! Mine are natural.

Me (thinking): So mine are from roids or something? But saying: I lift weights. I earned mine.

Crazy Lady: I do Pilates.

Me: So do I.

Crazy Lady: Mat or machine?

Me: Mat and reformer

Crazy Lady: Where?

Me: Crabtree Pilates Studio w/ Kelly

Crazy Lady: (deflated) Oh, good for you!

Where are we? Dance 360? (…head to head, head to head…tag your man, tag your man)

Me: They’re checking my shot sites for reactions.

Crazy Lady: oh

I just wanted to get to the rest of my day, but really? Do people walk around showing off their body parts? ...maybe if you have a nice butt and 4 or 5 drinks...

TV NOTE: The Amazing Race starts tonight. It will take teams of 2 further than they've ever gone before. They'll face their fears, reach their limits and reveal their true colors. It could take them apart or bring them together.

I’m in the crew

The Drew Crew. I’m so excited about the finale of Dancing with the Stars tonight. Did you see Drew and Cheryl’s performance on Thursday night? They rocked to Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Very fun, very sexy….I think I’m going to Boot Barn to get Nash one of those outfits!

Anyways, I hope tonight works out the way it should. Either way, it’ll be a great show. The only thing that will make it better is if Mike Barz re-enacts the performances tomorrow morning on GMA. I love that guy!

Also, I think Nick should get half of everything Jessica earned during their marriage. If the shoe were on the other foot, we wouldn’t bat a lash. So Nick: get yours! Do you!

That’s right – I don’t need no pill!

Wow. Today’s health fair was a success. 241 participants and about 95 percent them either read my “They don’t put that in a pill” blog or were forewarned. As I rattled off my usual “your LDL is high & likely due to diet, and your HDL is low probably from lack of exercise,” they admitted their wrongdoings!!! Si, señorita, sé por que. They openly admitted to eating too much red meat and cheese and eggs and cream, etc. and to not exercising as they should. It was as if I were the wellness court and they were health criminals, pleading guilty and ready to pay for their misdeeds.

And to encounter those people who do the right things – those whose good cholesterol proves it – was so uplifting. Not to say that everyone was in perfect health. In fact, there were several people I considered to be on the verge of a cardiovascular nightmare; but there were several who wanted updates on their newfound commitments to health. They had cholesterol values up to 40 points less than their last measurement – many in only 2 or 3 months! And to hear how much better they feel now that they exercise brings a smile to my face. What an encouraging day!

One can only wonder what the difference was. The population was demographically similar the last two programs, but this was not like last weekend’s give-me-a- pill-fest. Today was a health educator’s dream.

They don’t put it there! For my health fair participants and anyone else looking for a quick fix

I’ve been trying to write this blog for a few days now. It was much too wordy, so here’s the frustrated gist:

Exercise does not come in a pill!! Big surprise!! You actually have to get off your behind and move your body! Also, please stop acting like you had no idea that you’re overweight – you’re breathless from walking 3 feet and its not ‘cause you’re thin and fit. So until you’ve gotten your act together and begun to change your life for the better, get off my back!!!!

Even the most conservative doctor will give you a few weeks to make lifestyle changes before they put you on meds for your chronic diseases. They’re called chronic diseases because you chronically eat junk and refuse any activity beyond opening the fridge. (And yes, people, I know that genetics has a big part to play in lots of this – you don’t have to tell me!! Blood pressure meds & high cholesterol right here [waving my hands at you] at 26 years old!! Been there, done that!) But lifestyle is even bigger. And yes, if you remain inactive and overweight, you will most likely become diabetic!!! So stop looking for a way around this!!! Like I said, you have to get off your butt and start moving. It worked for me, it will for you too!!! (I was on meds for a year – but with enough weight loss and regular exercise, my BP is now controlled naturally! And I’m no longer on the verge of diabetes!) And you need to give up the junk too. High-fat, high-cholesterol animal products: red meat, eggs, cheese, milk-based creams, etc…..they raise your cholesterol. I gave this junk up almost completely, and brought my cholesterol down from 289 to 201! You can too!!! Oh, and if your excuse is that your kids will complain if they don’t get their junk--- who the hell is in charge here?!? *&%# You’re the parent – it’s your responsibility, not theirs – they’ll get over it!!!

Then there are strokes and heart attacks – what are you going to do if you survive one of those?

Terms of endearment

Mustard
Pickles
Avocados
Barbeque sauce
Curry
Licorice
Root beer & cream soda
Beer beer

I hate these supposedly edible products. They’re deal breakers for me - I’d rather not eat. Just like I don’t use porta-potties - I’d rather not pee. Please don’t think I’m a little princess. I’m actually quite the tomboy. At least compared to most of the women in my life. I don’t like to wear make-up or perfume. I don’t often “do” my hair. Workout pants, tank tops and running shoes are my apparel of choice for most occasions. I wear high heels about once a year and I rarely wear skirts or dresses unless they’re sporty with stripes down the sides or have cargo pockets all over them.

I’m not afraid to get dirty or sweaty or both. A few years ago, I dug out a big oleander tree in our yard, roots and all. I’d wet the moat I’d dug around the tree to soften the dirt around the roots. Then I’d use a pick-axe to leverage the roots out of the ground. It took me several days, but I did it myself. (Though Belle and Fancy helped me dig the moat – also not afraid of mud, like their momma!) The root ball turned out to be bigger & heavier than me, so I needed help getting it into the green waste bin. Still, I felt like Hercules. Or Xena.

I’ve changed quite a few tires in my life, even in the rain. And not because there were no men around. When my little red Hyundai overheated, I replaced the busted hose (which I had to cut to fit) and got my car back on the road. I love to take stuff apart to see how it works even if I can’t always put it back together the right way. I’ve laid block walls. I own a drill press and an air compressor and have a magnetic level stuck to my fridge. I can fix lots of things. You could say I’m handy.

I’m not exactly your girlie-girl. And I’m not graceful or extremely coordinated (which is why I prefer not to use power tools that could hurt me or others). When I decided I needed to change my image so people would take me more seriously professionally, I needed help. I had a Guerilla Makeover in San Francisco. My “Queer-Eye” guy, Charles, first sent me to the Brow Bar at Benefits. Then for a make-up consultation and $150 worth of cosmetics (which took me a year to go through). He helped me pick out 2 professional “grown-up” outfits including “body-lengthening” pointy toe heels. He taught me some basic principles about what kinds of clothes to look for for my body. Lastly, he sent me off to my first non $10 haircut.

It’s been a gradual change over the past 2 years, but it’s not all that bad. And I’m not yet fashion-forward, but I’m trying. I’ve even expanded my make-up collection and I’ve gone for lessons! I still need my oh-so-stylish boy friend, Josh, to help me pick out hot jeans. It’s hard because I’m short, but I have a nice derrière, sot it’s not that hard! I have to consciously fight my urge to walk away from the conservative old-lady clothes I used to gravitate towards.

So when a co-worker greeted me with an “Hola, Princesa!” (“Hello, Princess”) this morning, I was touched by her term of endearment. My husband, who translated it literally in his head, laughed out loud thinking she was calling me a diva!!! Querido, I’m no diva. Just your average, finicky girly tomboy.

26.2

So I’ve decided that I may possibly want to do a marathon. I know, I know - I’ve always said I had no interest in doing one. 26 plus miles is a long way, but, there’s going to be a run in Riverside and that’s just so darn convenient. It’s supposed to start in MoVal somewhere and end at the Mission Inn. That makes me happy & somewhat willing!

Of course, convenience is one thing, but Nash is another. He just completed his second half-marathon - Pacific Shoreline in Huntington Beach, and he did so well. I’m really proud of him and would love to take on this endeavor with him. His training paid off and it would be something productive that we could do together.

The other motivating factor is that I was watching the wheelchair marathoners at the Pacific Shoreline and they were amazing! It makes me want to use my abilities more. I can run, so why not? I could do something constructive with my running, too. That’s why I’m thinking that if I do this, I would like to raise money for Run For Mobility’s Free Wheelchair Mission. They provide wheelchairs for people in underdeveloped countries.

There are also many reasons why I wouldn’t want to do this crazy distance namely: 1) what happened to Tina’s toenail (it’s hard to explain, but it was unpleasant) 2) severe discomfort in general is something I like to avoid 3) what if I have to pee? Or worse? (I generally refuse to use Porta-potties)....but think of the cheese I could eat!!

I know it’s possible for me. After all, I’m not even in my physical prime yet. I still have my 30s to look towards. I know I can do it. If I can walk 7 miles with a backpack and my pink Simples, imagine what I could do with a pair of New Balances, good tunes and a fanny pack (for my snacks & tissues)? I could get some of those 26.2 socks like Hoops! Yes!

Now, don’t hold me to this. I said possibly. I’m going to take it slow. First comes the Run Through the Vineyards 10K in May, Fontana Days Half Marathon in June, and we’ll see what happens next.

The possibilities are endless.

What happens on the way to Vegas....

I really don't think the popular cliche applies to the road to Vegas or anything I did there, for that matter. I got on my Southwest flight Sunday evening during the Super Bowl. That's right. I wasn't interested, nor was I excited about going to Vegas. Let's just get this over with were my thoughts. Luckily, or so I thought, the flight wasn't full & most rows only had 2 people in the 3 seats. How nice! This should be uneventful. And it probably seemed like it was to everyone else on the plane. However, keep in mind that: 1--I have a freakish sense of smell and 2--I don't eat red meat or anything else I consider gross. So this girl in her early 20s is sitting next to me in the aisle seat and I'm at the window with an empty seat between us. So we both put our bags there and buckle in for the short flight. I pull out my glasses and my huge hardback copy of the latest Harry Potter book and delve into the Pensieve with Harry and Dumbledore as they look at the past. Then it begins. First she pulls out an apparent snack bag. I wasn't watching, but I could tell by the crinkling sound of the wrapping. And about 2 seconds after I hear her rip something from the bag, the smell of jerky floods my area. I turn on the fan above me, but it doesn't do much to help. Trying to ignore the STANK, I read on as we are introduced to Marvolo, Voldemort's grandfather. Finally, the bag of jerky is completely gone. I must have at least another 20 minutes left, so this flight can still be salvaged....

Then she starts making another noise. This time it's a familiar crackling of aluminum foil. She's unwrapping a homemade something or other. I have no idea what it was, but it was just as stinky, and to make things worse, sticky? I think it was, because she kept smacking her lips. And I read on trying to ignore the nastiness.

We finally arrive, and I jet. Get my rental car and find the Luxor by the following the light you can see from outer space. Try to find the registration desk, which is on the other side of the entrance--the other end of the casino. Then try to find the elevator that would take me to my room. I finally did, but walked around 20 minutes in the morning as I tried to find the exit! Work went fairly well, even though I got lost on my way there and I had to stay an extra day (only because the client loved me!) I actually had more fun than I thought I would. Found an awesome Argentinian cafe across the street from my work site. Did a little shopping at Mandalay Bay (treats for my Belle) and Excalibur (tie for my man), and walked to New York, New York and over the bridge to MGM (which happened to have Jello shots for 2 bucks--which may be the reason everything was so enjoyable!) Gambled away $6. Didn't win like in the dream I had.

Finally back at the rental place on my way back home, I had to pay an extra $42.37 for the extra day, and for some reason my work credit card was not going through. So I had to gather all the money I had left, including my emergency $10 to pay for the rental myself. That left me with 2 dollars--just $11 plus tip shy of a chair massage. And then as I got in the security line, they sent me down the glass-enclosed TSA extra security check. They made me stand inside a contraption with nozzles all over it. It blew air all over me as it checked me for a poisons or explosives, or something. I asked for a picture of me in it for my blog, but they said it was illegal, so 'no'. Then they made me take my new shoes off and stand around barefoot while they examined them for bombs. I was finally cleared and released into my gate, and there it was -- the video poker I had been looking for. The game that was going to make me rich with the $2 I had left. I wonder if the airport has $2 Jello shots somewhere, at least I could have done something productive with my money. Oh, by the way, the "nickel" slots, don't actually take nickels.

Home, sweet home. Ahhh...

Ever eat a grape?

I was driving through the Orange circle in downtown Orange yesterday afternoon and I saw a cute-looking old guy standing on the corner. From far away I could see he was waving at people as they drove through the intersection. White hair, stereotypical senior clothing including white orthopedic shoes. Just precious. Then I finally pulled up in front of him and read a sign he was holding: Wells Fargo - No loans to illegal immigrants. You know me, so of course, I yelled "You racist old man. So unAmerican," at him. (I've been holding back on the explitives because I have Grandpa Tom's truck and the license plate is his name- though he probably would have plenty to say, too!)

I don't know how I kept myself from going around and around that circle, but I went on to pick Nash up from work. I told our friend, Jeff, what had happened. "You ever eat a grape, old man?", I said. Jeff suggested I deck him with some grapes, oranges, mangoes....whatever you can buy off the side of the road from an hard-working "illegal immigrant." Screw you, old man.

Not everyone can wait to get into the United States legally. Not everyone is born in a country with the same opportunities that America offers. Not everyone is born in a country where they will be guaranteed food on their table every day. Not everyone is born in a country where education will be available to all. You have no idea, you ignorant jerk. And don't you dare tell me that "the illegals" take jobs from "Americans". Let's see you pick grapes or strawberries or cotton in the hot fields in inhumane conditions for unfair wages. Let's see you pay an arm and a leg for your fruit and produce or your soft cotton undies. Not gonna happen, you jackhole, because you will never get "Americans" to do the work. How dare you?

I know many immigrants who had NO choice but to get into America one way or another. Papers or no papers. I suppose they did have a choice - stay where they came from and face poverty, starvation, death. I guess it's an easy choice when your life depends on it. When you're willing to work but there are no jobs. When you want to feed your children, but you have no means. When you want to succeed, but your circumstances don't allow it. And let me tell you--the "illegal immigrants" I know contribute to our economy. They work, pay taxes, buy homes, pay their bills including your precious loans AND they love America.

Let us also try to recall the last time you heard about illegal immigrants holding up liquor stores, or drowning their children, or shooting up banks or post offices. I don't pretend to say that immigrants don't commit crimes, but don't you pretend that Americans don't either. Immigrants in America are no less American than you, my dear bigot. Every American came here from somewhere else at some point. (...oh, that's right, except for the Natives you stole it from.) You need to stop trying to impede American's right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, old man. And I'll stop now, because I love America too much to waste another breath on you.